From The Vault: Wish In One Hand and...(May 20, 2007)

Ever have those times where you feel like you need to get something off your chest, but don't know what it is? Then, sometimes, you realize which beans you need to spill but still do not know how to?
That's me.
I feel sometimes that I am actually trying to decieve myself. Like about the way I feel about certain things or about how I percieve particular things. Then I am all like, " Um, hello, you can't lie to yourself, duh me, I know I am lying right now." Then I wonder if I really attempt to beguile myself or if it just feels that way because I just hope so hard sometimes that everything will be good. Just good...and right.
I guess sometimes I think that something is supposed to be a certain way and when I allow myself to realize that it isn't I still try to tell myself that it is. UH!
It is beginning to be apparent to me that just because you wish something was a particular way, that doesn't make it so. And- no amount of wishing will. For example, just because I think a purple sky would be lovely, that thought itself fails to change the color of the sky. But just because you long for something (and it doesn't make it so just because of your desire for it), it still does not keep you from wanting it. I think it might come from being told that you can accomplish anything if you try hard enough or you can change something if you just believe in the cause.
At this moment in my life, I am becoming convinced that this is all bullshit.
(Don't you just love these pessimistic moments that I choose to share?)
Ok, I don't always feel this way, but I do right now so I am running with it. I suppose that the bullshit theory isn't entirely accurate. It is possible that some things can be achieved with hard work and determination (obviously), but sometimes I feel that other things are just suck. Unless it is something that might be meant to be fantastic (and therefore, not suck).
A side note on the things that are suck-it is almost like they are meant to suck & I do not like that feeling, because I want sunshine and rainbows and butterflies, damnit!
Ok, I am typing in circles here, perhaps we need to revisit the fate/destiny conversation again.
More ramblings to follow, I assure you.
xxoo