From The Vault: What Goes On In the Brain Housed By My Large Head (April 30, 2007)

I am thinking myself to pieces again. It's no secret that I have a lot going on inside of my brain. Things aren't always what I think and I am tormented by certain thoughts that will not get out of my head.
I wonder if other people have these moments. I have this vicious little polarization going on in there.
It is enough to think about something and be done with it, but that is easier said than done when your mind is racing and nothing is making sense and you need answers to questions you can't ask, and you are not entirely sure you want answers because sometimes the unknown is a good thing but sometimes it is a scary thing, too. I write very nice run-on sentences, eh? I need a clarity moment...bad.
So I have an example of what I am talking about...and I will share this one with you...(I was talking with my friend about this the other day and he seemed to understand what I meant (thanks, by the way)). I brought this up as a result of my up and restlessly tossing and turning at three in the morning sometime last week experience (sometimes the insomnia settles in and there is nothing left to do but ponder these silly things even when you do not really want to). The subject was a sort of a recipe based on destiny-speak with a little religion thrown in, and after adding a few comments of how my mind was running on overdrive; you have an entirely inappropriate-for-work conversation.
Basically I was wondering that-if- there was a such thing as destiny, and everything is going to be the way it is going to be, would this type of thing be based on a religious path that one follows or would it even matter? OK, so say you are a (insert your denomination here (just for the sake of argument)) and you follow the laws of (your favorite deity goes here) and you approach every aspect of your existence in the manner prescribed by that way of life. Would your kismet be altered if your path veered in another direction or if you lived your life (or certain aspects of it) in a way other than the law of that (earlier chosen) cosmic being intended? Or would it somehow be equalized by some other thing you do (or didn't do) and eventually the forked path would cross again and you end up where you were headed all along? Or would you be able to take the reins yourself; you know, the whole...I am the master of my own fate... my own navigator and pilot...I am the maker of the dreams, etc. and you would determine the whens and hows (to a certain extent anyway)? I know it is not a strange thing to worry or at least wonder about, but when the wheels start turning...it can be a real challenge to make them stop.
And you all wonder why I can't quit smoking.
Ok, now here is a coincidence for you- I watched a movie last night about destiny and I think part of the reason I liked it so much was because of this whole thought process that was forced upon me in my sleep deprived hour in the dark (sometime last week at 3 am). I was kind of pissed in a way though, that I didn't think of writing a script like that first. So you are left with this puny blog and my hopes that as I grow older (and hopefully wiser) I will make peace with my mind and I will sleep soundly. I also wish the same for you :)
So, anyway, don't feel bad if you are all "WTF is wrong with her" right now. I can understand if you aren't feeling this. I am not sure that I am completely cognizant of my own shit right now, so how can I expect you to be?
But you keep coming back, right? That speaks volumes to me. xxoo