If only

Over a year ago I was in a bad place. This is a work from that era- just found it on my computer. It amazes me at how much we can grow and evolve in our lives. Although it took experiences that were terrible and ugly, I am somehow glad to have had them as they brought me to this place that I am at now. I am so happy and I feel so blessed for the heartaches because they make me that much more grateful for this lovely life I have now. Now I realize, that although I would have been spared some pain, I am glad I didn't walk away because now I know how much I deserve the good wonderful things I have in my world...

Here it is-

IF ONLY

If I would have only walked away.
The thought resurfaces more often than I’d like to admit. Sometimes it is the first thing that I think of when I wake up in the morning.
When I find myself angry and verbally assaulting the ones I now love I think it. When I look into the mirror, take a shower, make the beds, do the laundry, type the emails I wish that I would have only walked away.
I can try to rationalize the choices I made by reminding myself of the moments that made it all seem real. If I think about the inspiration I was granted and the feelings that I felt that I never thought were possible you would think that I wouldn’t have the underlying feeling of resentment.
One of the two biggest fears that I have are complacency and resentment. There it is. The ugly word that makes me feel like no matter what I felt or did or knew to be true has left me haggard and stifled and wishing I would have made another choice.
If a person is a part of you and they make you a part of them, what happens when they are no longer there?