Moving toward the light

I have this new obsession with lighting. I can't help it. Josh and I went window shopping a few weeks ago and I saw so many amazing fixtures that were so different yet so simple. There were all of these amazingly shaped bulbs and some fabulous fixtures that were made from wood. I am thinking about creating a sort of a coffee table book featuring all of these wonderful yet natural lighting options. I think that to display them all in one book would be a neat thing to do. Most recently I saw dreamlights offered as a campaign for BzzAgent and this cemented my thoughts of creating this book. Stay tuned to see if I get the campaign and I will certainly share bits and pieces of the book as I get it put together.
#imabzzagent
xoxo kells

If only

Over a year ago I was in a bad place. This is a work from that era- just found it on my computer. It amazes me at how much we can grow and evolve in our lives. Although it took experiences that were terrible and ugly, I am somehow glad to have had them as they brought me to this place that I am at now. I am so happy and I feel so blessed for the heartaches because they make me that much more grateful for this lovely life I have now. Now I realize, that although I would have been spared some pain, I am glad I didn't walk away because now I know how much I deserve the good wonderful things I have in my world...

Here it is-

IF ONLY

If I would have only walked away.
The thought resurfaces more often than I’d like to admit. Sometimes it is the first thing that I think of when I wake up in the morning.
When I find myself angry and verbally assaulting the ones I now love I think it. When I look into the mirror, take a shower, make the beds, do the laundry, type the emails I wish that I would have only walked away.
I can try to rationalize the choices I made by reminding myself of the moments that made it all seem real. If I think about the inspiration I was granted and the feelings that I felt that I never thought were possible you would think that I wouldn’t have the underlying feeling of resentment.
One of the two biggest fears that I have are complacency and resentment. There it is. The ugly word that makes me feel like no matter what I felt or did or knew to be true has left me haggard and stifled and wishing I would have made another choice.
If a person is a part of you and they make you a part of them, what happens when they are no longer there?

stupid rain

It rains and rains. The puddles of water collect and merge together in a marriage of convenience while the confused birds visit to frolic and bathe. They are oblivious to the havoc that the incessant rains wreak on the moods and disposition of the humans that move so swiftly to avoid the droplets that fall from the heavens. Fall down from the skies and nourish the Earth but do it with haste and leave us to the sun for a bit.

To Blog or Not To Blog

To blog or not to blog...that is the question...

I have a hard time sometimes deciding on whether or not to blog about what is going on in my head. I know that ultimately the act of blogging is for me and not necessarily for others. However, I find reading other people's blogs entertaining from time to time dependent on the subject matter or sometimes I become inspired or introspective after getting a glimpse of what other people put out there. I know that people will allow you to see what they want you to see but nevertheless I find myself curious so I indulge. Sometimes it does make you look at things from another perspective. SO- that being said, I hope that in turn I may be able to trigger some type of thought process for others; my typing that does not make it into some pretense, though. If it makes you think then it makes you think. If you can relate, awesome, if you can't, that is fine as well.

I had a point when I began this rant but now I seem to have become a scatterbrain. So much for creating wonder, huh?

Ah, yes, my point. I think that I will, in fact, blog. For me, for you, for anyone who can relate, for anyone that thinks that blogging is stupid, I think that if nothing else, at least I will have exercised my first amendment right. Blog on, player.

xo

From the Vault: Somewhere Over the Rainbow Near the Clouds In My Head (September 13, 2008)

When one's anticipation level reaches a particular point, apprehension has an invitation to enter one's psyche. I am the type of person who gets excited about things and for some reason, at times, this excitement can become a pest. The reason for this is because I start to look forward to or overanalyze something and subsequently I start to dwell on this "thing" that I am anticipating and it becomes a focal point for me to a certain degree. So here I am not really giving myself the full opportunity to accept an experience that might be a very simple part of my daily life because of the fact that I am wishing the time to go by faster in anticipation of that thing. So, basically, I am wishing those moments of my life away (i.e. "I just can't wait until Thursday- we are going to lunch at _____. It will be so much fun and the food will be so delish, blahblahblah.) Here is what sucks about that- during the time that I am simply existing and working my way through my life, I am focused on the "thing" that I am looking forward to or the "event" that I am going to enjoy and somehow my mind allows it to achieve some rockstar status in the back of my head. What is maddening is that when you build something up in your mind, there is always a chance that reality may just come around like a hockey stick wielding punk and just knock this glorified something right off of the pedestal that you have subconsiously created for it. Therefore, that being said, I will try to be cognizant of my inefficient approach and am cutting my subconsiousness off ; this is my attempt to rebel against this exhausting brain sequence which just seems to be a continual source of something that feels a bit like disappointment...I am not content with that. So there.
In other words...I am just going with the flow.

From the Vault: June Ninth and Nausea (June 9, 2008)

I am sick with lack of inspiration. Even the beloved sharpie has nothing to spew forth into the creative arena. My guitar case is collecting dust. I haven't baked in weeks. I am about half way through three books; none of which are really speaking to me. My ipod is living on 666 Shuffle Lane because I can't decide if I want Johnny Cash or Portishead and Moloko. I have no cadence these days to march toward battle with. Plus, although I fucking represent with some serious survival skills, I have no real immediate desire to march at all. Really I would like to just go for a couple days and let some of my vicious polorization dissolve. This is the second June in a row to find me in a state of discontent. I also feel like crap and would like for someone to please rub my belly.
Meh.
The end.

From the Vault: If You Can't Beat It, Embrace It? (February 13, 2008)

Here is the scenario....
It was 2:30 in the morning. I am awakened my my bladder asking for mercy, begging me to not consume so much caffeine during its next day of existence. I am greeted secondly by "Blue Christmas", an oddly unseasonal happenning, stemmed precisely from the randomness of leaving your I-tunes on for the sake of something to slumber to. So I accommodate my body's request and change the music; after all, it is February, and under some circumstances I may have left it on, but not this time. I go to the "A" section, choose Alicia Keyes and settle in with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.
I toss and turn a little, and have a small, silent heart to heart with J.C. Lately I seem to be having a hard time connecting so I thought it only appropriate since I am up and I was thinking of Him. "Time to believe in what you know, and you don't need strength to be strong." See explanation below.
Ok...strange. Let me just take a time out to explain those words there in the quotations. As I am typing this, (we are now on Alexi Murdoch on the I tunes) those were the words that Alexi was singing. Somehow it just seemed appropriate to put them there. They come from a song of his called "Shine". I highly recommend the album "Time Without Consequence" if you have never heard it. It is quite good.
So, back to this journal entry...I of course still cannot sleep so I decided to turn on the monitor and access this newfound outlet where I can let a bit of myself out. The time on the computer clock is now 3:16 am. Another sign? I do not know. I was hoping for the droopy eyed surrender that blogging sometimes allows me to have. I am feeling a little sleepy. Maybe I will give it another go.
I suppose that I should count this experience as another blessing. I am blessed enough to know that sometimes it is good to roll your butt out of bed at 3:00 in the morning to let the fingers feel the familiarity of the keyboard in an attempt to release some of whatever it is that does not want me to be lost in my hazy dreamland...some things are ok. I am not upset about it. I feel pretty good right now, actually. At this precise moment I am thinking about something that is certain to make me smile as this is always the case. *sighs*
I hope your dreams are all sweet right now. I am also selfishly hoping for some of my own as well...and feeling pretty positive about the possibility of this happening. Goodnight (morning).
xo