When one's anticipation level reaches a particular point, apprehension has an invitation to enter one's psyche. I am the type of person who gets excited about things and for some reason, at times, this excitement can become a pest. The reason for this is because I start to look forward to or overanalyze something and subsequently I start to dwell on this "thing" that I am anticipating and it becomes a focal point for me to a certain degree. So here I am not really giving myself the full opportunity to accept an experience that might be a very simple part of my daily life because of the fact that I am wishing the time to go by faster in anticipation of that thing. So, basically, I am wishing those moments of my life away (i.e. "I just can't wait until Thursday- we are going to lunch at _____. It will be so much fun and the food will be so delish, blahblahblah.) Here is what sucks about that- during the time that I am simply existing and working my way through my life, I am focused on the "thing" that I am looking forward to or the "event" that I am going to enjoy and somehow my mind allows it to achieve some rockstar status in the back of my head. What is maddening is that when you build something up in your mind, there is always a chance that reality may just come around like a hockey stick wielding punk and just knock this glorified something right off of the pedestal that you have subconsiously created for it. Therefore, that being said, I will try to be cognizant of my inefficient approach and am cutting my subconsiousness off ; this is my attempt to rebel against this exhausting brain sequence which just seems to be a continual source of something that feels a bit like disappointment...I am not content with that. So there.
In other words...I am just going with the flow.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
From the Vault: June Ninth and Nausea (June 9, 2008)
I am sick with lack of inspiration. Even the beloved sharpie has nothing to spew forth into the creative arena. My guitar case is collecting dust. I haven't baked in weeks. I am about half way through three books; none of which are really speaking to me. My ipod is living on 666 Shuffle Lane because I can't decide if I want Johnny Cash or Portishead and Moloko. I have no cadence these days to march toward battle with. Plus, although I fucking represent with some serious survival skills, I have no real immediate desire to march at all. Really I would like to just go for a couple days and let some of my vicious polorization dissolve. This is the second June in a row to find me in a state of discontent. I also feel like crap and would like for someone to please rub my belly.
Meh.
The end.
Meh.
The end.
From the Vault: If You Can't Beat It, Embrace It? (February 13, 2008)
Here is the scenario....
It was 2:30 in the morning. I am awakened my my bladder asking for mercy, begging me to not consume so much caffeine during its next day of existence. I am greeted secondly by "Blue Christmas", an oddly unseasonal happenning, stemmed precisely from the randomness of leaving your I-tunes on for the sake of something to slumber to. So I accommodate my body's request and change the music; after all, it is February, and under some circumstances I may have left it on, but not this time. I go to the "A" section, choose Alicia Keyes and settle in with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.
I toss and turn a little, and have a small, silent heart to heart with J.C. Lately I seem to be having a hard time connecting so I thought it only appropriate since I am up and I was thinking of Him. "Time to believe in what you know, and you don't need strength to be strong." See explanation below.
Ok...strange. Let me just take a time out to explain those words there in the quotations. As I am typing this, (we are now on Alexi Murdoch on the I tunes) those were the words that Alexi was singing. Somehow it just seemed appropriate to put them there. They come from a song of his called "Shine". I highly recommend the album "Time Without Consequence" if you have never heard it. It is quite good.
So, back to this journal entry...I of course still cannot sleep so I decided to turn on the monitor and access this newfound outlet where I can let a bit of myself out. The time on the computer clock is now 3:16 am. Another sign? I do not know. I was hoping for the droopy eyed surrender that blogging sometimes allows me to have. I am feeling a little sleepy. Maybe I will give it another go.
I suppose that I should count this experience as another blessing. I am blessed enough to know that sometimes it is good to roll your butt out of bed at 3:00 in the morning to let the fingers feel the familiarity of the keyboard in an attempt to release some of whatever it is that does not want me to be lost in my hazy dreamland...some things are ok. I am not upset about it. I feel pretty good right now, actually. At this precise moment I am thinking about something that is certain to make me smile as this is always the case. *sighs*
I hope your dreams are all sweet right now. I am also selfishly hoping for some of my own as well...and feeling pretty positive about the possibility of this happening. Goodnight (morning).
xo
It was 2:30 in the morning. I am awakened my my bladder asking for mercy, begging me to not consume so much caffeine during its next day of existence. I am greeted secondly by "Blue Christmas", an oddly unseasonal happenning, stemmed precisely from the randomness of leaving your I-tunes on for the sake of something to slumber to. So I accommodate my body's request and change the music; after all, it is February, and under some circumstances I may have left it on, but not this time. I go to the "A" section, choose Alicia Keyes and settle in with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head.
I toss and turn a little, and have a small, silent heart to heart with J.C. Lately I seem to be having a hard time connecting so I thought it only appropriate since I am up and I was thinking of Him. "Time to believe in what you know, and you don't need strength to be strong." See explanation below.
Ok...strange. Let me just take a time out to explain those words there in the quotations. As I am typing this, (we are now on Alexi Murdoch on the I tunes) those were the words that Alexi was singing. Somehow it just seemed appropriate to put them there. They come from a song of his called "Shine". I highly recommend the album "Time Without Consequence" if you have never heard it. It is quite good.
So, back to this journal entry...I of course still cannot sleep so I decided to turn on the monitor and access this newfound outlet where I can let a bit of myself out. The time on the computer clock is now 3:16 am. Another sign? I do not know. I was hoping for the droopy eyed surrender that blogging sometimes allows me to have. I am feeling a little sleepy. Maybe I will give it another go.
I suppose that I should count this experience as another blessing. I am blessed enough to know that sometimes it is good to roll your butt out of bed at 3:00 in the morning to let the fingers feel the familiarity of the keyboard in an attempt to release some of whatever it is that does not want me to be lost in my hazy dreamland...some things are ok. I am not upset about it. I feel pretty good right now, actually. At this precise moment I am thinking about something that is certain to make me smile as this is always the case. *sighs*
I hope your dreams are all sweet right now. I am also selfishly hoping for some of my own as well...and feeling pretty positive about the possibility of this happening. Goodnight (morning).
xo
From the Vault: Phenomenally...Selfish??? (February 6, 2008)
Ever have some phenomenal thought process and just when it peaks into some great revelation, it dawns on you that no matter how hard you attempt to verbalize, you may never be able to make anyone else make sense of it the way that it made sense to you?
Maybe it is just that sometimes there are thoughts that we are cognizant of and when we recognize the desire to share them, some internal force decides that these things might not have been intended for someone else but just for ourselves.
It is all at once disappointing yet comforting. Go figure.
sweet dreams...xxoo
Maybe it is just that sometimes there are thoughts that we are cognizant of and when we recognize the desire to share them, some internal force decides that these things might not have been intended for someone else but just for ourselves.
It is all at once disappointing yet comforting. Go figure.
sweet dreams...xxoo
From the Vault: My Cloud...(January 18, 2008)
--I am on it right now.
Even though I just had a tremendous blog typed out and just lost it to the myspace demons. Won't get me down. Even with this wicked storm blowing outside, I am feeling warm and wonderful.
There is something fantastic about knowing that something is good. I have this serious vibe right now and I just can't stop smiling. I am not sure that I know how to respond to this, but I do know that it feels good and that I am going to sit back and enjoy it.
Who knew happiness could be so satisfying?
*sighs*
Even though I just had a tremendous blog typed out and just lost it to the myspace demons. Won't get me down. Even with this wicked storm blowing outside, I am feeling warm and wonderful.
There is something fantastic about knowing that something is good. I have this serious vibe right now and I just can't stop smiling. I am not sure that I know how to respond to this, but I do know that it feels good and that I am going to sit back and enjoy it.
Who knew happiness could be so satisfying?
*sighs*
From the Vault: Relief (January 18, 2008)
To know is not always in my best interest. I think that there might be something to be said about not knowing. Somehow I am able to throw on the rose colored glasses today and be acceptant of the things that are out of my control.
For this precise moment it is entirely not freaking me out which is slightly abnormal and comforting all at the same time.
A deep sigh of content has just escaped me and this calm is good and long overdue.
Breathing in...out...and in again...
For this precise moment it is entirely not freaking me out which is slightly abnormal and comforting all at the same time.
A deep sigh of content has just escaped me and this calm is good and long overdue.
Breathing in...out...and in again...
From the Vault: I Hear Loud People (July 3, 2007)
The essence of summer is all around me. I love the feeling of sitting in front of the window at my desk with the fan on overhead and a cool night breeze coming in to say "hello". There are people setting off fireworks, the shrill symphony plays off the houses surrounding my own. The people on the street in cars are driving a little too fast with the music a little too loud. My legs are peeling from a very uncomfortable sunburn that I carelessly allowed myself to obtain as I was foolishly under the impression that my pasty white skin could handle the sun reflecting from waves of the Pacific Ocean. Don't care, it was entirely worth it for the whole wonderful day spent at the beach a couple thousand miles away.
There is a part of me that would gladly build a fort of sand and saltwater and stay there forever. That is the part of me that can remember when the hardest decision I had to make was who I would ride bikes with after school or who's house the slumber party would be at that weekend. The part of me that wanted to play with my mom's kitchen utensils in the dirt until it was dark. The part of me that when I was entitled to be childish...couldn't wait to grow up.
That is the part of me that longs for everything to be simple in a way that it seems it can never be.
As if something like the smell of the ocean could sustain you all by itself.
There is a part of me that would gladly build a fort of sand and saltwater and stay there forever. That is the part of me that can remember when the hardest decision I had to make was who I would ride bikes with after school or who's house the slumber party would be at that weekend. The part of me that wanted to play with my mom's kitchen utensils in the dirt until it was dark. The part of me that when I was entitled to be childish...couldn't wait to grow up.
That is the part of me that longs for everything to be simple in a way that it seems it can never be.
As if something like the smell of the ocean could sustain you all by itself.
From the Vault: Don't Cry For Me, Argentina (June 14, 2007)
disclaimer: the views expressed in this blog are not intended to kill any good moods or to be interpreted as a pity party. Parental discretion is advised. Just letting a little of this crap go.
Our special today is the Rambling and rambling with a side of ramble.
I feel emotionally ambivalent. I am starting to wonder if I will live out my existence in this completely unbalanced state of mind. If I could have one thing right now it would be to knowingly speak the words "Everything is going to be ok." and be certain that it would be a true statement.
I guess I play a mean lead role as the optimistic happy face but alas, I asseverate. I am a sham. The truth comes out about Kelly when she learns that she is not what she thought she was or what she always thought that she would be. I will, as a treat for you, refrain from here on out from referring to myself in the third person. I am not especially happy right now. I do not know why it seems like this is such a horrible thing to admit but I still don't like doing it. I have realized lately that it is ok and good to a certain degree to admit to myself that sometimes the way I feel about certain things are not the way I would like to feel about them. I cannot help the way I feel. I cannot make things be something that they are not. I also do not have a time machine that enables me to go back and fix the things that I myself have had a part in messing up. I do not know why my brain does not want to accept the fact that I cannot control everything. I know some things are just not up to me, yet a part of me is invariably trying to twist the less appealing aspects of the truth into somethng that I can navigate.
I ask myself (and others at times)...am I messed up? I always thought that I was pretty level headed and lately I feel like everything is freaking out all around me. Somehow I know I will figure things out I just wish it would be sooner than later. I am sure I will find my way, but the journey there is just so taxing. Such is life, I suppose
Hold on...what's that sound? Oops, gotta go, I hear the waaaahhhmbulance pulling up outside. Haha. The sense of humor still remains...I got that going for me, eh?
Be good to yourself.
xxoo
Our special today is the Rambling and rambling with a side of ramble.
I feel emotionally ambivalent. I am starting to wonder if I will live out my existence in this completely unbalanced state of mind. If I could have one thing right now it would be to knowingly speak the words "Everything is going to be ok." and be certain that it would be a true statement.
I guess I play a mean lead role as the optimistic happy face but alas, I asseverate. I am a sham. The truth comes out about Kelly when she learns that she is not what she thought she was or what she always thought that she would be. I will, as a treat for you, refrain from here on out from referring to myself in the third person. I am not especially happy right now. I do not know why it seems like this is such a horrible thing to admit but I still don't like doing it. I have realized lately that it is ok and good to a certain degree to admit to myself that sometimes the way I feel about certain things are not the way I would like to feel about them. I cannot help the way I feel. I cannot make things be something that they are not. I also do not have a time machine that enables me to go back and fix the things that I myself have had a part in messing up. I do not know why my brain does not want to accept the fact that I cannot control everything. I know some things are just not up to me, yet a part of me is invariably trying to twist the less appealing aspects of the truth into somethng that I can navigate.
I ask myself (and others at times)...am I messed up? I always thought that I was pretty level headed and lately I feel like everything is freaking out all around me. Somehow I know I will figure things out I just wish it would be sooner than later. I am sure I will find my way, but the journey there is just so taxing. Such is life, I suppose
Hold on...what's that sound? Oops, gotta go, I hear the waaaahhhmbulance pulling up outside. Haha. The sense of humor still remains...I got that going for me, eh?
Be good to yourself.
xxoo
From the Vault: The Bear Ate It On Memorial Day (May 28, 2007)
I know you are longing for this adventure packed anecdote about my camping trip this weekend. (Especially you local freaks, since it rained almost all weekend as you know.) Alas, there is not too much to report. It rained. Then it rained some more. I ate enough hot dogs to make my dog jealous. Bill and I did not get along as great as I would of liked. (maybe it was the rain?) I did not have s'mores. I went to bed early each night. I did not take any naturey pictures (I did get a few good ones of the kids, though). I did not sing during the camping trip. Or tell ghost stories. I did hear the drunken ramblings of our next site neighbor telling of a bear...or something...at about 3:30 in the morning. Hellooooo...this is Podunk, Illinois we are camping in, dude. No bears around for miles, I assure you. This was the night after I was jolted awake from my cold-nosed sleep by a shrill, "Is THAT a VICODIN???It sure does not LOOK like a VICODIN!!! Tell me again that that is a vicodin" This was the loud lady of the bunch, and I believe this was early(for them anyway)...about 12:30 Friday morning. Don't get me wrong. I realize that people like to indulge in beverages of the alcoholic variety from time to time while camping, especially on a holiday weekend. My friend Paul was all, "That's why people go camping...to party." Yes, thank you, but that is not the only reason. (It rained some more) I have thrown back a few beers during camping trips of years past, but this was some obnoxious business going down next door. This was our first time to this campground, so I did not know what to expect. It wasn't a bad place, so I guess I am an old, cranky, buzzkill hag because I found these people to be very annoying (and this fact bothers me because I can recognize that people have their own things going on. It was just something about this bunch Maybe it was the lady's voice). Or maybe I just wasn't in the mood to listen to the crazy hillbilly parties at the next site over. We ate Chorizo and eggs one morning for breakfast. That rocked. (It rained even more) Also, the coffee on camping trips always tastes so freakin' delicious. I drank a lot of coffee these past few mornings and boy was it tasty. :)
On a happier note, the sun came out Sunday! Yay! Sunshine! So that made it a little better. Played some beanbags and tried to drink a beer (but it wasn't very tasty so I had a juice box and a big fat water instead.) Ate more hot dogs, hung out. Watched part of a horseshoe tournament. Did not fish (boo). Cut up potatos. Watched the kids play baseball. Had a mini heart-to-heart with a little kid on the playground who was on the receiving end of several handfuls of sand to the face and head. I told that little boy, "Don't you let that kid (who was at least 3 or 4 years younger than him) throw sand in your face. You should not let other people do things like that to you. You go ahead and tell him to stop. Stand up for yourself!" I then proceeded to tell the other (mean) littler kid (who did not listen- I had to tell him 3-4 times-I thnik his mom wanted to kick my ass, but I don't care) "Don't throw sand at him. Please stop throwing sand at him. It is not nice to throw sand. PLEASE! STOP throwing sand! Thank you."
Went to bed early again (with no smores). Cosmo woke up this morning and said he didn't feel so good. Poor little dude puked on the floor of the bathroom at the campground twice, then the other that comes along with the flu happened(I will spare you the smelly details). Fortunately, most of this action made it to the tiolet.
The rest of the day was spent on the couch, we watched X Men (1&2). Cosmo said he felt better so he managed to eat a little lunch.
Today I made homemade meatball sandwiches for lunch (No, Cos did not eat meatballs on his flu-ridden tummy). Bill left to go to a friend's house so then I indulged in microwave caramel corn. OinkOink I swear I ate enough for five people this weekend. I will only eat enough for three people tomorrow, I suppose. Whatev. Cosmo must be feeling better because he just hollered upstairs that he was ready to eat dinner. So I best get cookin'.
Sorry there was nothing to ponder in this blog save the journey for a bear who ate the camper who has the pill that truly looks like a Vicoden. Or something.
Shit.
xxoo
On a happier note, the sun came out Sunday! Yay! Sunshine! So that made it a little better. Played some beanbags and tried to drink a beer (but it wasn't very tasty so I had a juice box and a big fat water instead.) Ate more hot dogs, hung out. Watched part of a horseshoe tournament. Did not fish (boo). Cut up potatos. Watched the kids play baseball. Had a mini heart-to-heart with a little kid on the playground who was on the receiving end of several handfuls of sand to the face and head. I told that little boy, "Don't you let that kid (who was at least 3 or 4 years younger than him) throw sand in your face. You should not let other people do things like that to you. You go ahead and tell him to stop. Stand up for yourself!" I then proceeded to tell the other (mean) littler kid (who did not listen- I had to tell him 3-4 times-I thnik his mom wanted to kick my ass, but I don't care) "Don't throw sand at him. Please stop throwing sand at him. It is not nice to throw sand. PLEASE! STOP throwing sand! Thank you."
Went to bed early again (with no smores). Cosmo woke up this morning and said he didn't feel so good. Poor little dude puked on the floor of the bathroom at the campground twice, then the other that comes along with the flu happened(I will spare you the smelly details). Fortunately, most of this action made it to the tiolet.
The rest of the day was spent on the couch, we watched X Men (1&2). Cosmo said he felt better so he managed to eat a little lunch.
Today I made homemade meatball sandwiches for lunch (No, Cos did not eat meatballs on his flu-ridden tummy). Bill left to go to a friend's house so then I indulged in microwave caramel corn. OinkOink I swear I ate enough for five people this weekend. I will only eat enough for three people tomorrow, I suppose. Whatev. Cosmo must be feeling better because he just hollered upstairs that he was ready to eat dinner. So I best get cookin'.
Sorry there was nothing to ponder in this blog save the journey for a bear who ate the camper who has the pill that truly looks like a Vicoden. Or something.
Shit.
xxoo
From The Vault: Wish In One Hand and...(May 20, 2007)
Ever have those times where you feel like you need to get something off your chest, but don't know what it is? Then, sometimes, you realize which beans you need to spill but still do not know how to?
That's me.
I feel sometimes that I am actually trying to decieve myself. Like about the way I feel about certain things or about how I percieve particular things. Then I am all like, " Um, hello, you can't lie to yourself, duh me, I know I am lying right now." Then I wonder if I really attempt to beguile myself or if it just feels that way because I just hope so hard sometimes that everything will be good. Just good...and right.
I guess sometimes I think that something is supposed to be a certain way and when I allow myself to realize that it isn't I still try to tell myself that it is. UH!
It is beginning to be apparent to me that just because you wish something was a particular way, that doesn't make it so. And- no amount of wishing will. For example, just because I think a purple sky would be lovely, that thought itself fails to change the color of the sky. But just because you long for something (and it doesn't make it so just because of your desire for it), it still does not keep you from wanting it. I think it might come from being told that you can accomplish anything if you try hard enough or you can change something if you just believe in the cause.
At this moment in my life, I am becoming convinced that this is all bullshit.
(Don't you just love these pessimistic moments that I choose to share?)
Ok, I don't always feel this way, but I do right now so I am running with it. I suppose that the bullshit theory isn't entirely accurate. It is possible that some things can be achieved with hard work and determination (obviously), but sometimes I feel that other things are just suck. Unless it is something that might be meant to be fantastic (and therefore, not suck).
A side note on the things that are suck-it is almost like they are meant to suck & I do not like that feeling, because I want sunshine and rainbows and butterflies, damnit!
Ok, I am typing in circles here, perhaps we need to revisit the fate/destiny conversation again.
More ramblings to follow, I assure you.
xxoo
That's me.
I feel sometimes that I am actually trying to decieve myself. Like about the way I feel about certain things or about how I percieve particular things. Then I am all like, " Um, hello, you can't lie to yourself, duh me, I know I am lying right now." Then I wonder if I really attempt to beguile myself or if it just feels that way because I just hope so hard sometimes that everything will be good. Just good...and right.
I guess sometimes I think that something is supposed to be a certain way and when I allow myself to realize that it isn't I still try to tell myself that it is. UH!
It is beginning to be apparent to me that just because you wish something was a particular way, that doesn't make it so. And- no amount of wishing will. For example, just because I think a purple sky would be lovely, that thought itself fails to change the color of the sky. But just because you long for something (and it doesn't make it so just because of your desire for it), it still does not keep you from wanting it. I think it might come from being told that you can accomplish anything if you try hard enough or you can change something if you just believe in the cause.
At this moment in my life, I am becoming convinced that this is all bullshit.
(Don't you just love these pessimistic moments that I choose to share?)
Ok, I don't always feel this way, but I do right now so I am running with it. I suppose that the bullshit theory isn't entirely accurate. It is possible that some things can be achieved with hard work and determination (obviously), but sometimes I feel that other things are just suck. Unless it is something that might be meant to be fantastic (and therefore, not suck).
A side note on the things that are suck-it is almost like they are meant to suck & I do not like that feeling, because I want sunshine and rainbows and butterflies, damnit!
Ok, I am typing in circles here, perhaps we need to revisit the fate/destiny conversation again.
More ramblings to follow, I assure you.
xxoo
From The Vault: What Goes On In the Brain Housed By My Large Head (April 30, 2007)
I am thinking myself to pieces again. It's no secret that I have a lot going on inside of my brain. Things aren't always what I think and I am tormented by certain thoughts that will not get out of my head.
I wonder if other people have these moments. I have this vicious little polarization going on in there.
It is enough to think about something and be done with it, but that is easier said than done when your mind is racing and nothing is making sense and you need answers to questions you can't ask, and you are not entirely sure you want answers because sometimes the unknown is a good thing but sometimes it is a scary thing, too. I write very nice run-on sentences, eh? I need a clarity moment...bad.
So I have an example of what I am talking about...and I will share this one with you...(I was talking with my friend about this the other day and he seemed to understand what I meant (thanks, by the way)). I brought this up as a result of my up and restlessly tossing and turning at three in the morning sometime last week experience (sometimes the insomnia settles in and there is nothing left to do but ponder these silly things even when you do not really want to). The subject was a sort of a recipe based on destiny-speak with a little religion thrown in, and after adding a few comments of how my mind was running on overdrive; you have an entirely inappropriate-for-work conversation.
Basically I was wondering that-if- there was a such thing as destiny, and everything is going to be the way it is going to be, would this type of thing be based on a religious path that one follows or would it even matter? OK, so say you are a (insert your denomination here (just for the sake of argument)) and you follow the laws of (your favorite deity goes here) and you approach every aspect of your existence in the manner prescribed by that way of life. Would your kismet be altered if your path veered in another direction or if you lived your life (or certain aspects of it) in a way other than the law of that (earlier chosen) cosmic being intended? Or would it somehow be equalized by some other thing you do (or didn't do) and eventually the forked path would cross again and you end up where you were headed all along? Or would you be able to take the reins yourself; you know, the whole...I am the master of my own fate... my own navigator and pilot...I am the maker of the dreams, etc. and you would determine the whens and hows (to a certain extent anyway)? I know it is not a strange thing to worry or at least wonder about, but when the wheels start turning...it can be a real challenge to make them stop.
And you all wonder why I can't quit smoking.
Ok, now here is a coincidence for you- I watched a movie last night about destiny and I think part of the reason I liked it so much was because of this whole thought process that was forced upon me in my sleep deprived hour in the dark (sometime last week at 3 am). I was kind of pissed in a way though, that I didn't think of writing a script like that first. So you are left with this puny blog and my hopes that as I grow older (and hopefully wiser) I will make peace with my mind and I will sleep soundly. I also wish the same for you :)
So, anyway, don't feel bad if you are all "WTF is wrong with her" right now. I can understand if you aren't feeling this. I am not sure that I am completely cognizant of my own shit right now, so how can I expect you to be?
But you keep coming back, right? That speaks volumes to me. xxoo
I wonder if other people have these moments. I have this vicious little polarization going on in there.
It is enough to think about something and be done with it, but that is easier said than done when your mind is racing and nothing is making sense and you need answers to questions you can't ask, and you are not entirely sure you want answers because sometimes the unknown is a good thing but sometimes it is a scary thing, too. I write very nice run-on sentences, eh? I need a clarity moment...bad.
So I have an example of what I am talking about...and I will share this one with you...(I was talking with my friend about this the other day and he seemed to understand what I meant (thanks, by the way)). I brought this up as a result of my up and restlessly tossing and turning at three in the morning sometime last week experience (sometimes the insomnia settles in and there is nothing left to do but ponder these silly things even when you do not really want to). The subject was a sort of a recipe based on destiny-speak with a little religion thrown in, and after adding a few comments of how my mind was running on overdrive; you have an entirely inappropriate-for-work conversation.
Basically I was wondering that-if- there was a such thing as destiny, and everything is going to be the way it is going to be, would this type of thing be based on a religious path that one follows or would it even matter? OK, so say you are a (insert your denomination here (just for the sake of argument)) and you follow the laws of (your favorite deity goes here) and you approach every aspect of your existence in the manner prescribed by that way of life. Would your kismet be altered if your path veered in another direction or if you lived your life (or certain aspects of it) in a way other than the law of that (earlier chosen) cosmic being intended? Or would it somehow be equalized by some other thing you do (or didn't do) and eventually the forked path would cross again and you end up where you were headed all along? Or would you be able to take the reins yourself; you know, the whole...I am the master of my own fate... my own navigator and pilot...I am the maker of the dreams, etc. and you would determine the whens and hows (to a certain extent anyway)? I know it is not a strange thing to worry or at least wonder about, but when the wheels start turning...it can be a real challenge to make them stop.
And you all wonder why I can't quit smoking.
Ok, now here is a coincidence for you- I watched a movie last night about destiny and I think part of the reason I liked it so much was because of this whole thought process that was forced upon me in my sleep deprived hour in the dark (sometime last week at 3 am). I was kind of pissed in a way though, that I didn't think of writing a script like that first. So you are left with this puny blog and my hopes that as I grow older (and hopefully wiser) I will make peace with my mind and I will sleep soundly. I also wish the same for you :)
So, anyway, don't feel bad if you are all "WTF is wrong with her" right now. I can understand if you aren't feeling this. I am not sure that I am completely cognizant of my own shit right now, so how can I expect you to be?
But you keep coming back, right? That speaks volumes to me. xxoo
From The Vault: Sunday's Journey (April 22, 2007)
My Sunday began with too much light in the room. I did not get home 'til 4am (had to work last night), so probably did not get to sleep until close to 5. Woke up around 9:00 or so, I need to get one of those fancy little masks that people wear to sleep in. Umm...a sleep mask? Dur.
So Bill took little man with him today and I tried to go back to sleep, but really couldn't. So I functioned the day on roughly 4 hours of sleep. Nice. So here was my day so far...
After my shower I ran to Planet Java and got a vanilla caramel latte and a cranberry muffin. I must say, the muffin was awesome. It had walnuts in it and the cranberries were all tart. yum.
So then I decided to go to Buffalo Rock. Due to my more recent bleak outlook, I figured I could use a little nature. So I put my guitar, my backpack, and my camera (of course) in the back seat and traveled the long 8 minutes or so to Buffalo Rock. Here is a strange thing, though. I have lived here for 4 years or something and have never gone to Buffalo Rock before.
Buffalo Rock is a pretty place, mostly by the river and in the woods. There is a lot of prairie there. Also there are all these manmade earth sculptures by an artist named Michael Heizer. It is entitled Effigy Tumuli. Apparently it was created as a tribute to Native American Burial grounds (I guess the Native Americans used to do something similiar to this). When you are there, it is kind of hard to really see the shapes because they appear to be just part of the land. It is kind of hard to explain, but basically you can see them from the air and in the diagrams that they have at Buffalo Rock. (I know about the air thing because I googled it, not because I was flying around Buffalo Rock.) I visited the one that was called "Catfish" and from a distance, it did sort of look like one. Also the highest part of buffalo rock is located on the catfish. So, I climbed up on that fishy's back and took some pictures. They were not all that impressive, but I'll post them later for your viewing pleasure. I also went by the water stryder but it just looked like uneven grass to me.
So, if you were wondering if there are buffalo there, there are! Actually they are bison, but isn't that the same thing? The most exciting thing that they did was lie there. Oh, and one of them gave his privates a bath. Good times...I actually have a picture of that too, but I do not think I should post that one. At first I was thinking, "Ew! I don't want to take a picture of that!" then I thought. "Wait! This might be the most exciting thing the guy does all day; let's document!" Whatev.
The best part that I experienced today must have been the views of the river. There is an observation deck there and it has a pretty nice view. If you look straight down, there are these rocks that jut out a little. I will post that picture, too. At one point, I wandered off the beaten path and stood at the top of this hill (which was more like a bluff) and looked down at the river. The sun was shining down on me and the breeze was so strong, I had one of those spiritual moments I have been longing so desperately for lately. For a moment, it was just so nice to be by myself out in a place that was just a pretty place. There were no pretenses, no expectations, just enjoy me...feel the sun on your face and the breeze on your back. Walk on my trails and watch the hawk with its huge wing span and run down the hill. It was pretty nice.
It has been a long time since I felt that way. A long time since I have been to a place like this, too. I used to always go to the forest preserves or the parks or go hang out by the river. I do not know when or why I stopped doing things like this. It was so refreshing to walk and breathe and think. I forgot how much I enjoyed just being outside and appreciating the things I so often take for granted.
Downside: I MUST stop smoking. The little hiking that I did winded me. I seriously need to do something about that.
So that was Buffalo Rock. I had some errands to run then went home. I played my guitar for a while (I am kind of out of practice so my fingers were a little tender when I was done (poor baby)). I have some rough lyrics for a song and a couple chord progressions that I threw together, but I can't seem to get them to mesh. Maybe it is not meant to be, but we'll see. I never tried to put my own lyrics to music seriously before. It is more challenging than I expected. I have "written" songs (I suppose lyrics) and I have made up melodies before, but never together. It is interesting.
One last thing from today that I wanted to share-I also took a picture of my neighbor's dog and talked to her (the dog) for a few minutes. So, when I was petting her, in her yard, I catch some movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked up, it was my neighbor...waving...with a can in his other hand...wearing... an............................. American flag printed ....................................SPEEDO! I shit you not. I kinda had a little freak out, said, "I-I was p-petting your dog"(no, I did not really stutter)...and walked away, quickly, across my yard, retrieved my guitar, went inside then shut and locked the door. That was entirely enough adventure for one day. Guess I won't sleep so well tonght either.
xxoo
So Bill took little man with him today and I tried to go back to sleep, but really couldn't. So I functioned the day on roughly 4 hours of sleep. Nice. So here was my day so far...
After my shower I ran to Planet Java and got a vanilla caramel latte and a cranberry muffin. I must say, the muffin was awesome. It had walnuts in it and the cranberries were all tart. yum.
So then I decided to go to Buffalo Rock. Due to my more recent bleak outlook, I figured I could use a little nature. So I put my guitar, my backpack, and my camera (of course) in the back seat and traveled the long 8 minutes or so to Buffalo Rock. Here is a strange thing, though. I have lived here for 4 years or something and have never gone to Buffalo Rock before.
Buffalo Rock is a pretty place, mostly by the river and in the woods. There is a lot of prairie there. Also there are all these manmade earth sculptures by an artist named Michael Heizer. It is entitled Effigy Tumuli. Apparently it was created as a tribute to Native American Burial grounds (I guess the Native Americans used to do something similiar to this). When you are there, it is kind of hard to really see the shapes because they appear to be just part of the land. It is kind of hard to explain, but basically you can see them from the air and in the diagrams that they have at Buffalo Rock. (I know about the air thing because I googled it, not because I was flying around Buffalo Rock.) I visited the one that was called "Catfish" and from a distance, it did sort of look like one. Also the highest part of buffalo rock is located on the catfish. So, I climbed up on that fishy's back and took some pictures. They were not all that impressive, but I'll post them later for your viewing pleasure. I also went by the water stryder but it just looked like uneven grass to me.
So, if you were wondering if there are buffalo there, there are! Actually they are bison, but isn't that the same thing? The most exciting thing that they did was lie there. Oh, and one of them gave his privates a bath. Good times...I actually have a picture of that too, but I do not think I should post that one. At first I was thinking, "Ew! I don't want to take a picture of that!" then I thought. "Wait! This might be the most exciting thing the guy does all day; let's document!" Whatev.
The best part that I experienced today must have been the views of the river. There is an observation deck there and it has a pretty nice view. If you look straight down, there are these rocks that jut out a little. I will post that picture, too. At one point, I wandered off the beaten path and stood at the top of this hill (which was more like a bluff) and looked down at the river. The sun was shining down on me and the breeze was so strong, I had one of those spiritual moments I have been longing so desperately for lately. For a moment, it was just so nice to be by myself out in a place that was just a pretty place. There were no pretenses, no expectations, just enjoy me...feel the sun on your face and the breeze on your back. Walk on my trails and watch the hawk with its huge wing span and run down the hill. It was pretty nice.
It has been a long time since I felt that way. A long time since I have been to a place like this, too. I used to always go to the forest preserves or the parks or go hang out by the river. I do not know when or why I stopped doing things like this. It was so refreshing to walk and breathe and think. I forgot how much I enjoyed just being outside and appreciating the things I so often take for granted.
Downside: I MUST stop smoking. The little hiking that I did winded me. I seriously need to do something about that.
So that was Buffalo Rock. I had some errands to run then went home. I played my guitar for a while (I am kind of out of practice so my fingers were a little tender when I was done (poor baby)). I have some rough lyrics for a song and a couple chord progressions that I threw together, but I can't seem to get them to mesh. Maybe it is not meant to be, but we'll see. I never tried to put my own lyrics to music seriously before. It is more challenging than I expected. I have "written" songs (I suppose lyrics) and I have made up melodies before, but never together. It is interesting.
One last thing from today that I wanted to share-I also took a picture of my neighbor's dog and talked to her (the dog) for a few minutes. So, when I was petting her, in her yard, I catch some movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked up, it was my neighbor...waving...with a can in his other hand...wearing... an............................. American flag printed ....................................SPEEDO! I shit you not. I kinda had a little freak out, said, "I-I was p-petting your dog"(no, I did not really stutter)...and walked away, quickly, across my yard, retrieved my guitar, went inside then shut and locked the door. That was entirely enough adventure for one day. Guess I won't sleep so well tonght either.
xxoo
From the vault: Procrastination (April 18, 2007)
Yes, that is me, the procrastinator. I think that will be my new nickname. OK, so, I am a big dork. I actually waited until tonight to finish my taxes. I started them last night, but between my splitting headache and my son wanting his mommy's attention, it was just not going to happen. So, I popped two Excedrin and ate a huge bowl of carbs and gave up for the night thinking I would do it in the morning. That did not happen, either.
So my friend, Memory (God love her), calls me this morning (to inform me that she will be induced on Thursday. YAY! Baby!!) and she tries to help me figure out if filing an extension would be a good out. The publication on the IRS website was not too helpful, so after a few moments, and after she assures me I will not be arrested for missing the deadline, I bid her farewell.
Then I call H & R Block, because at this point I have sort of a nervous stomach because I know it is bad that I have waited too long and now I am scrambling. The chickie at H & R Block is very pleasant and says right off the bat that I should be able to get in, no problem. Could I hold while she pulls up the appointment schedule? Absolutely I can hold. She comes back and informs me that she has a 1 o'clock and it is all mine. One o'clock?!? Do you have anything in like, 5 minutes? (I did not say this, just thinking it) I POLITELY ask her if there are any later appointments available as I have to work. She says they close at 5 but maybe the Peru office would be open later since I work near there it may work out. I thank her for her time and hang up.
So, butterflies and all, I face the reality that I am not going to get out of this easily. I temporarily give up my quest for a charitable accountant and give in to the fact that I am going to have to do these frickin' taxes myself. I venture off to the Little Store and get my coffee, smoke two cigarettes, and head off to work. As the day went on, the butterflies subsided and I was actually able to joke about it. I figured, why not? I was the one who got myself into this mess, I would have to be the one to get myself out. It is good to laugh at yourself, and when you are me, you get plenty of opportunities to laugh at yourself. It keeps me grounded. Beats crying, anyway.
After work, I head home, psyching myself up he whole way home. Lets face it, this sucks. I have to get myself in the right frame of mind because there is simply NO more time to put it off. I get home, hug Cosmo, greet Bill, gather my pile-o-documents and head upstairs. I inform everyone that I am not to be bothered and go to my room, turn on some music, and get crackin'. After about an hour and a half, I am done, minimal damage is done, and my plan is in motion. I have no ink in my printer and I plan on going to the library to print out the nice, neat copies I typed out (courtesy of the irs website (which was helpful this time)). So I attach them to an email and send them to myself (shut up. I am a dork, this is not new news). It is 8:51. I have 9 minutes to drive 8 blocks to the library, access the computers, print my pages, pay the librarian, and go.
Ok, this did not happen according to plan, either. I get to the library and it is closed. SHIT!!!!!!! So I call my friend, Paisley (God love her, too!) and ask her if I can come and use her printer. She agrees so I head over to her place. I stop at the liquor store beforehand and pick up a sixer of some raspberry tasties; I figure I certainly deserve it. Not to mention the fact that I am chock full of adrenaline and anxiety from this whole mess that I brought upon myself. I arrive safely at Paisley's and we share a celebratory beverage. I print my return out and head to the North side of town and drop my two envelopes into the mailbox at 10:05. Whew. Thank goodness.
Note to self- waiting 'til the last minute is bad, m'kay?
xxoo
So my friend, Memory (God love her), calls me this morning (to inform me that she will be induced on Thursday. YAY! Baby!!) and she tries to help me figure out if filing an extension would be a good out. The publication on the IRS website was not too helpful, so after a few moments, and after she assures me I will not be arrested for missing the deadline, I bid her farewell.
Then I call H & R Block, because at this point I have sort of a nervous stomach because I know it is bad that I have waited too long and now I am scrambling. The chickie at H & R Block is very pleasant and says right off the bat that I should be able to get in, no problem. Could I hold while she pulls up the appointment schedule? Absolutely I can hold. She comes back and informs me that she has a 1 o'clock and it is all mine. One o'clock?!? Do you have anything in like, 5 minutes? (I did not say this, just thinking it) I POLITELY ask her if there are any later appointments available as I have to work. She says they close at 5 but maybe the Peru office would be open later since I work near there it may work out. I thank her for her time and hang up.
So, butterflies and all, I face the reality that I am not going to get out of this easily. I temporarily give up my quest for a charitable accountant and give in to the fact that I am going to have to do these frickin' taxes myself. I venture off to the Little Store and get my coffee, smoke two cigarettes, and head off to work. As the day went on, the butterflies subsided and I was actually able to joke about it. I figured, why not? I was the one who got myself into this mess, I would have to be the one to get myself out. It is good to laugh at yourself, and when you are me, you get plenty of opportunities to laugh at yourself. It keeps me grounded. Beats crying, anyway.
After work, I head home, psyching myself up he whole way home. Lets face it, this sucks. I have to get myself in the right frame of mind because there is simply NO more time to put it off. I get home, hug Cosmo, greet Bill, gather my pile-o-documents and head upstairs. I inform everyone that I am not to be bothered and go to my room, turn on some music, and get crackin'. After about an hour and a half, I am done, minimal damage is done, and my plan is in motion. I have no ink in my printer and I plan on going to the library to print out the nice, neat copies I typed out (courtesy of the irs website (which was helpful this time)). So I attach them to an email and send them to myself (shut up. I am a dork, this is not new news). It is 8:51. I have 9 minutes to drive 8 blocks to the library, access the computers, print my pages, pay the librarian, and go.
Ok, this did not happen according to plan, either. I get to the library and it is closed. SHIT!!!!!!! So I call my friend, Paisley (God love her, too!) and ask her if I can come and use her printer. She agrees so I head over to her place. I stop at the liquor store beforehand and pick up a sixer of some raspberry tasties; I figure I certainly deserve it. Not to mention the fact that I am chock full of adrenaline and anxiety from this whole mess that I brought upon myself. I arrive safely at Paisley's and we share a celebratory beverage. I print my return out and head to the North side of town and drop my two envelopes into the mailbox at 10:05. Whew. Thank goodness.
Note to self- waiting 'til the last minute is bad, m'kay?
xxoo
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